


Cum 'ere I tink Youre' Bootiful

by terma_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Deliberate Badfic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-09-01
Updated: 1999-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:55:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26536150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/terma_archivist/pseuds/terma_archivist
Summary: Note from alicettlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived atTER/MAand was moved to the AO3 as part of the Open Doors project in 2019. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are the creator and would like to claim this work, please contact me using the e-mail address onthe TER/MA collection profile.TER/MA September 1999 Challenge. It is time to have some fun.  This is one everybody is capable of doing, I think.  Even the best writers among us.  *g* So, we all read a lot of slash, right?  And we have all run across stories or mistakes so bad, we groan in misery and wonder what the hell the writer was thinking.  We all have little terms and pet peeves we hate to see in stories. Well this month's challenge is to write badfic.  I want to see stories that make me laugh they are so dreadful.  I want weeping manpoles, pendulous nutbags, winking puckered starfish of love, glistening bosoms...wait—that is the wrong genre.  If you mean you're, I want your.  Two,to and too can come and go at will.  Go find the worst mistakes you can , and write a story which includes them.  Whatever you do, DONT beta.  Write it at 5 in the morning after drinking 5 cups of expresso and not sleeping for 48 hours.  Or write it after having 18 shots of tequilla (or the poison of your choice). Whatever doesn't work for you.  Make it so dreadful, you can't read it without hanging your head in mock shame. And above all, have fun with it... --- OK, word of warning here.  These are really dreadful.  All are NC-17 for really bad taste.  If you looking for a good read, go elsewhere.Notes: A blessed sequel to my earlier work. Be careful what you wish for. Permission given to burn, shred or use for kitty litter. My first posting here and it's arguably the worst thing I've ever written. Ho hum.
Relationships: Alex Krycek/Fox Mulder
Collections: TER/MA





	Cum 'ere I tink Youre' Bootiful

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alicettlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [TER/MA](https://fanlore.org/wiki/TER/MA) and was moved to the AO3 as part of the Open Doors project in 2019. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are the creator and would like to claim this work, please contact me using the e-mail address on [the TER/MA collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/terma/profile).  
> TER/MA September 1999 Challenge. It is time to have some fun. This is one everybody is capable of doing, I think. Even the best writers among us. *g* So, we all read a lot of slash, right? And we have all run across stories or mistakes so bad, we groan in misery and wonder what the hell the writer was thinking. We all have little terms and pet peeves we hate to see in stories. Well this month's challenge is to write badfic. I want to see stories that make me laugh they are so dreadful. I want weeping manpoles, pendulous nutbags, winking puckered starfish of love, glistening bosoms...wait—that is the wrong genre. If you mean you're, I want your. Two,to and too can come and go at will. Go find the worst mistakes you can , and write a story which includes them. Whatever you do, DONT beta. Write it at 5 in the morning after drinking 5 cups of expresso and not sleeping for 48 hours. Or write it after having 18 shots of tequilla (or the poison of your choice). Whatever doesn't work for you. Make it so dreadful, you can't read it without hanging your head in mock shame. And above all, have fun with it... --- OK, word of warning here. These are really dreadful. All are NC-17 for really bad taste. If you looking for a good read, go elsewhere.   
> Notes: A blessed sequel to my earlier work. Be careful what you wish for. Permission given to burn, shred or use for kitty litter. My first posting here and it's arguably the worst thing I've ever written. Ho hum.

  
**Cum 'ere I tink Youre' Bootiful  
by Mord**

  
Last week in the X-Fills, Mudler had Krycek's cook out in the car. 

Nulder was extatic that he already had his cute pratner tied (handcuffed actually) to his car seat with his huge arse-splitter poking out of his cheap and dirty pants. He would not have to hit him much as he'd hoped as the poor lad was already hot to trot. Tightening his grip on the hugeness that was Alecks Krijeck he bit hard into the weeping traitorhood. For 'tis true, little did the older and more experienced (only not in some areas cos of course the jiggling young lashed wonder had much to teach in areas of sexual pleasure. There was only one reason he'd undergone the multiple-agent training. Needless to say, there had he earned his ratty reputation for bonking anything that moved and a few things that preferred not to) man know, but this light breeze of loveliness was destined to betray him. 

"Foxy, do it to me." Krikey slurped even though he had several fingers in his mouth. 

Foz threw his pratner onto the couch. Not too hard, cos he didn't want to hurt him. He could never hurt this scrumptious booty. Just hard enough that the junger man knew who was boss. 

Of course, all this was all after Speckled Agent Mouldy had driven to his apartment, yanked Aleks out of the car. He stopped to uncuff the young man cos he didn't have a spanner and he probably couldn't manage to lift the mewing man and the car seat he was attached to up to his room. Someone might have seen. Not that Muffler minded. He wanted everyone to know he was getting some at last. He hated it that everyone seemed to know he hadn't been picked up for years. Even the petit Sulky hadn't tried it on. Weird. That's the only reason he had gone to Oxford (or was it Quanti somewhere where they trained FBO types). Anyway, cheap sex had been promised when he was recruited. Actually, he got less now than ever before. All he had was his favourite vid "Hot Aliens from Neptune meet the Men in Black". 

Oh. Smoulder had forgotten about Crotchety. No real problem. When Muldy hadn't been looking, the scrummy bloke hadn't moved a muscle. What would be the point? 

His quite and slighty suspicious neighbour blinked furiously at the sight of a shellschloked Kricket snuggled in his arms. The young man was wriggling as befitted his reputation. Everyone in the office had wanted a piece of the cute ass, even the straight men. That's how hot the little pussy, well not exactly a pussy but a feral animal of some sort, was. Possibly a jaguar or some really heavily endowed animal that Muldy couldn't think of cos his hands were busy wrapping themselves around the enourmouse tentpole writhing in their grasp. Not that his hands were senitant, but he just couldn't keep them away from the protruding loveturnip of bliss. And low, the inhabitants of the building parted before the too men like Sully before the truth. 

Muldy reached his apartment and opened the door, after he had unlocked it. Of course, he always locked up carefully; otherwise he would have invalidated his insurance. He stumbled through the door which he had opened cos he didn't want to bang his head. But he didn't know why he bothered. Locking the door that is. Even the Loony Gunmen didn't bother to knock anymore. He stopped suddenly. Alex whimpered into his shoulder. Not in it but sort of across it. Drooling was involved. Skinny was sitting on the couch tossing a magnificent dildo back and forth between his paws. 

Mulder inhaled sharply, though not so to cut himself. Krycek squealed. Skinnor burst into tears. 

"How could you Foxi? Just when I brought you a great gift as well!" Skinner pushed past the two men. He threw the sex toy at the wall, then tossed the dildo into the fishtank. At least something would enjoy it. It was after all edible. Krycek got to his feet and traced a finger over the dent in the plaster where his lightsabre of ardour had hit it. He was gonna have to shoot the mean and nasty bully the next time he threw him aside like that. 

"Mulder?" Alez asked? 

"Don't worry my little cucumber." 

"But, you and Skinke? He looks rough." He tucked his snivelling (not quite up to the weeping stage) ice cream machine into his crimson slacks. "I can't. I thought you loved me." 

Fox tripped him and slapped him around a bit before jumping on him, after throwing the helpless lad onto the couch. He tweaked a nipple even though Krycek had at least 2 layers of clothing covering his ample torso. 

"Yeah, do it too me, do it two me again. I love you. It's always been you Wolfy." 

"Foxy!! Fos slapped Alix hard across the face, again and again. He knew there would be no bruises. Krichik was tough and muscled and nothing would show. His tender love would heal all wounds. If he jerked off enough over the mouse's face, it would make a nice antiseptic balm. 

He reached down to unzip his pants but discovered his engorged marshmallow stick had burst the zip and sprung free from captivity. "Damn," Mulder muttered. "That's the fifth pair of pants I've ruined this week and Armarnee is so expensive." 

"Woof, woof, foxy." 

"Huh?" Mudler's head popped up from behind Krijeck's pullsating blue- veined piccolo. He couldn't see the other guy's head (the one with the mouth on it) otherwise, for the whore-pipe of rampant totty was obscuring the view. 

"Moooooo." 

Muldur simply stared. Was it his imagination or was Krikey impersonating farmyard animals? He wondered just what the slightly broader chap had done before he joined the Beauro. 

"Why are you making cow noises?" Mulder asked his love slave. 

"Because I can't do cockerels." 

Mulder wasn't sure he wanted to know, but it mattered not anyway for he was having far too much fun ploughing the little runt's ass to worry about little things such as psychosis. 

"Yesss, ride me cowboy. Take me to the rodeo and back." 

Mulder stuck his fingers in his ears, it was either that or put something in Krycek's mouth and his lovespear was otherwise engaged. It didn't matter; the body beneath his was already bruised from where he had been gripping the slender hips. Despite not getting any for months his technique never faltered and he drove them both until they saw stars, fireworks, birds twittering in the firmament, flashing lights more beautiful than the aura borealis and finally the blackness of the galaxy itself. Even Krycek's insistence on neying constantly throughout his pounding, screaming and generally magnificent orgasmn didn't put off the intrepid agent as he pummled them both into oblivion. 

Smoulder came screaming "Alexi, Alexi," although how he knew Krycek was Russian is anyone's guess. Later he would think that for a moment their souls entwined and the two were one. Then he would wake up and remember he'd red two much Star Wars slash. 

As for Krycek, aside from pawing at the bed and trying to mount Mulder's poor defenceless teddy bear, he merely continued with the litany which only his dark and twisted and usually very abusive young life could have created. 

"Baby, baby, baby...is this some odd love thang or what?" Fax asked when he regained consciousness. That was the only time he had ever passed out during sex, but then it was a long time ago and in a galaxy far away that he came anywhere close to completion and the damp body swathed in his was the most winsome he had seen for many a year. 

Alex merely grunted and rolled onto his back tugging Mulder along by the hand securely shrouding Foxy's spent member. Finally, someone had taken possession of him. All was right with the world. 

Except for the horrible terrors which Krycheck would unleash in the next episode. But that's not important right now. 

(end—and not before time) 

* * *

Warning: Never mind badfic, this be awful.   
Notes: A blessed sequel to my earlier work. Be careful what you wish for. Permission given to burn, shred or use for kitty litter. My first posting here and it's arguably the worst thing I've ever written. Ho hum.   
---


End file.
